even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
