imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
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