Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
