She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
