Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
