Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
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let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
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I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
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