have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
