I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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