i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
