Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Randomize
