did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
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We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
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Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
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