i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
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