Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
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