Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Randomize
