the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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