I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I think im going to throw up on grandma
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
