My friends, they love my intelligence
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
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