Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
