Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
whose ass print is on the piano?
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
