My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Randomize
