Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
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