Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
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