finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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