I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
