My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
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