Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Randomize
