good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Randomize
