I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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