I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Randomize
