i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
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