halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
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