dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
