i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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