then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
