I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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