I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I want a musical about memes.
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