my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Randomize
