mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
