Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
