I faked an abortion last night.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
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