pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
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