Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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