It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
you're hired as official boob wrangler
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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