we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
