I should be sponsored by Trojan
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
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