Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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