How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
She bit a glass in half.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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