I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
