Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
