so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
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