I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Randomize
