Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Randomize
