They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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