Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
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I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
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I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Randomize