two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
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the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
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Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
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