God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
My vagina just recognized that song.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Randomize
