New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
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