Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Randomize
